I’m Bored So YOU Suffer!

We learned two very important lessons way back in the 2200’s when Hyperdrive was first invented and being refined. 1) DO NOT go through a Sun or other planetary body, so 2) Stop about half way and modify/refine your course.

The 3rd Hyperdrive ship was dispatched to Betelgeuse to finally check if the thing had gone, or was about to go, nova yet. It could have but the event just not visible from Earth. We wanted to know. And it’s only 4 days away at HS.

So, HS (Hyper-Ship) 3 aimed, fired, and obliterated Betelgeuse like an old .46 cal (see GalacticaPedia: Pistol, ancient history) shot to the head. Small entrance hole, large, messy, exit wound.

We have no idea why HS3 hit Betelgeuse at Hyper Speeds. Hell, we didn’t even know they’d done it until HS 53 went to check it out almost 40 years later. HS3 hit and made a small (8-10 Earth sized) hole in the front. And complete blew out the back. Left several 40-50 Earth sized “blobs” of white hot plasma (one of which enveloped the only planet to be found in orbit) and a 65 BILLION kilometer “streak” of star stuff pointing out into the galactic void. It’s been estimated that this will fade in a million years or so.

Betelgeuse itself will probably not nova now. We just don’t know. And we won’t even be able to see the damage done from Earth for another 600 million years.

But the Government will keep an eye on it. Just in case.

Then there’s the “boner” problem with HyperSpeed. HS affects the mind, no, let me rephrase that: HS affects Male physiology such that about 4 minutes into a “jump,” every male onboard will get an erection. Said erection lasts until about 4 hours after the trip is over.

Scientists have proved unable to find a reason why. There are no (known) treatments for it. Nothing works to get rid of it except ending the exposure. They’ve tried chemicals, sex and masturbation, adverse environmental conditions, enclosing their “members” in bags of ice, even surgery and posting pictures of ex-wives on bulkheads. Nothings worked. Just resign yourself to the fact that, if you get onboard a HS ship, you’re going to get a boner.

There are small companies that have 2-day “excursions” for the older gents crowd. One  day out, one day back for you and your lovely-young-bride/partner with specially padded null-G staterooms where your imaginations are the only limiting factor. And your heart.

I had a friend that used to tell female first-time HS passengers that it was their fault and they needed (needed!) to do something about it. That they were the only one that could do anything about it. He was surprisingly successful. Got strangled by a jealous husband on the way to Alpha Centauri 5.

But don’t get me started.

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